I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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