Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
