plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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