get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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