Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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