Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Randomize
