Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
