Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
