can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
