Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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