ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
