you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
