If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
