dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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