she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
