the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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