I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
