I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When are your genitals available?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
