She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
