theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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