Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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