his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize