Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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