I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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