I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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