Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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