Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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