Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
