Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
