I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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