So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
