it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
