I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
