drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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