My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My penis needs a shock collar
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
