btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
