I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well I just put wine in my tea
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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