ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
