I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
