i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
