Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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