If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
