The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
