epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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