Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
