My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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