It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
