2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Randomize
