the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
