I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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