listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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