I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
