He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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