Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
