Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
