We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
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I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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