yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
