Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
