so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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