Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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