i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Can you bring me the toilet please
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
