"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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