he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
