you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
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every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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