You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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