last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
