whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
thus making me awesome and them whores
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
